The Wonder Bread Army

29.Jun.2006

At first, I thought it was just a fluke in Basic, there never seemed to be any wheat bread and oodles of white bread just falling off the tables. I always wrote it off as just being at the back of the line during chow formations.

Then I came to Ft. Eustis and thought I would finally get some wheat bread. I did, nearly four months later!?! Everything you can think of, bagels, english muffins, deli breads, sandwich breads, etc., are made from white bread. And yes I know it’s a “great source of calcium,” but doesn’t wheat bread have a hundred more vitamins and is just plain healthier for you?

I’m convinced this white bread company (named Mary Jane, I kid you not) has a lock on all grains sold to the U.S. Army because not only can you never find wheat bread, but the white bread just proliferates the DFACs. It is literally stacked in piles five feet high all over the kitchens! Either that, or they’re a new form of tribble taking over the world by infiltrating the military first!

Oh man! I know I’ve lost it now, I’m referencing Star Trek!!

Buried in Basic Training | 6 Village Idiots have spoken

6 Village Idiots have spoken

  1. Damn it Jim, I’m a doctor not a baker !

    Blurted out by no look – 29.Jun.2006

  2. Have you been exposed to the wonders of AFN television programming yet? What they lack in wholesome goodness in the bread department they more than make up for in public service messages. These are some of the important lessons I’ve learned in 30 second increments.

    - Don’t smoke marijuana at parties
    - Alcohol is a “nutritional negative.” One 6 pack undoes an entire hour of running
    - Make the new kid feel welcome by sitting with her at mealtime (part of the “get the right spirit” campaign)
    - Make sure you tell your spouse where to find the mortgage papers and birth certificates before deploying
    - How to calculate how many fat calories to eat in a day, including saturated fats
    - Talking file cabinets that explained how long to keep certain records: military records indefinitely, receipts 90 days
    - A foreign-born child may not automatically qualify as an IRS dependent: contact your legal office
    - Start planning one year before your separation date
    - Always double-check your inventory list when PCSing (a talking painting told me that one)
    - Written permission is required before bring home any war trophies
    - There’s no charge to apply for citizenship if you’re active duty military
    - You may have to pay up front for health care at a non-tricare facility
    - Pull over into a rest area when you’re drowsy (as told by talking bobble-head dashboard doll)

    And this is only what I can recall from memory after 3 weeks of constant nagging. Who needs basic when you’ve got TV?

    Blurted out by Ini – 29.Jun.2006

  3. Wait! I forgot avoid hypothermia (it can happen in ANY season!), preventing sexual harassment (it’s EVERYONE’S responsibility), and stopping Identity Theft (they didn’t address what to do when the Navy publishes your SSN on the web). There’s also the Servicemember’s Civil Relief Act, dental health for mission readiness, and the three components of physical fitness.

    Blurted out by Ini – 29.Jun.2006

  4. But that’s not all, Johnny! Don’t forget to be considerate of your neighbors in family housing, share the remote with your roommate in shared housing, and chicks don’t like guys who dip smokeless tobacco!

    OK, I think I’m done.

    Blurted out by Ini – 29.Jun.2006

  5. First of all, if you have been watching AFN and learning all this information that Ini just shared, and then not sharing those gems with all of us, it would make me very sad.

    And secondly, does white bread ever even get moldy? Maybe they just buy 10 years worth at once. You could be eating bread that was made in the mid-90s. Something to think about. :-)

    Blurted out by Sersa – 30.Jun.2006

  6. Wow, I had no idea you embraced the AFN culture so much Ini.

    For those curious, AFN stands for Armed Forces Network. You can guess just how entertaining it is from Ini’s comments. I actually haven’t seen the channel since UND, thank god!!

    Blurted out by Shoup – 5.Jul.2006

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